Sex With Zombies

If you are still clinging to the hope that this blog will ever be super informative and intelligent, you can give up now. But if you like zombies and/or sex, you might want to stay around for today's topic: zombie sex. Obviously, this is a very broad subject that could (and should) span entire classes, but I'm only going to hit the high points.

Definitions: Zombie Sex vs. Necrophilia

I'm putting this section here because I don't think having sex with zombies makes you a necrophiliac. Think about it. Necrophiliacs like to have sex with dead people. And okay, zombies are dead, but they're different from most dead people because they move around and try to eat you and shit. I'm not a necrophiliac, but I think the compelling part of having sex with a corpse is that it doesn't move. It just sits there, staring past you with its dead eyes, and lets you gratify yourself within its cold, dry orifices.

...okay, ew. But you get the point. We need a new term for people who like having sex with zombies. Suggestions are welcome.

Safety

This seems to go without saying, but readers should be reminded that most zombies aren't looking for a good lay, they're trying to eat your fucking face. Plan your deviance accordingly.

First, you should know what kind of zombie you're dealing with. Some zombies need to actually pierce your skin or even kill you in order to turn you, while others can do it through simple fluid transfer. You have a lot more leeway with the first kind, but don't rule out the second! With proper precautions, you can have safe sex with all manner of undead things.

Second, putting anything in a zombie's mouth is not a good idea. Zombies use their teeth--a lot. Now, it has been suggested to me that you could pulverize your zombie lover's jaw and remove all the teeth, but I'm guessing it will still be able to crush your junk with its gums. Maybe you could devise some sort of mouthpiece that prevents the zombie from clenching its jaw shut all the way. That's too complicated for me, but if that's your thing, good luck!

Third...I was going to write something about how you could ride bareback because most STDs wouldn't survive in a corpse, but on second thought, some of them probably would. Maybe the bacterial STDs wouldn't be a problem--I really have no idea. Anyone with even a marginally acceptable background in biology want to weigh in?*

Ethics

I don't care what Dan Savage says: Fucking zombies is completely ethical. They don't feel pain, for one. You can run over their face with a fucking lawnmower and they won't give a shit. And consent? They're trying to rip out your throat with their teeth--I think you can justify any manhandling as self-defense. Not like there's anyone around to take you to court anyways.

Conclusion

Zombie sex can be safe (relative to say, chainsaw sex), educational (there are some mistakes you won't make twice), and fun for the whole family (alive or otherwise)! So when the zombie apocalypse strikes, don't give up on your sex life. There will be plenty of lovely undead girls and boys who can't wait to get you into bed (to, you know, fucking eat you, but it's a start).

*My science education in elementary school consisted entirely of Kent Hovind videos. I wish I were kidding.

Your MOM is SUPERGAY

While I was uploading the picture in my last post from the library's Public Temp folder, I found a Word document labeled "SUPERGAY". Naturally, I opened it immediately. It turned out to be a response paper for a 400-level History class. A very bad response paper. Clearly, this student (Casey W.) thinks that only SUPERGAY people could possibly understand all the nuance and subtlety in Elizabeth Perry's "Strikes Among Shanghai Silk Weavers". Sucks to be straight, Casey!

P.S. It is possibly not the best idea to write your full name on a public document and then give it a stupid label that will piss off a good 10% of the people who actually see it. Moron.

Reuters Slams Workers

From Reuters.com:

U.S. blue collar army chases few vacancies

By Ed Stoddard - Analysis

DALLAS (Reuters) - For every open construction job in America, there are more than 20 people lining up to apply.

Few statistics illustrate the gravity of the U.S. recession as clearly as the yawning gap between job seekers and vacancies, highlighting the struggle President Barack Obama has had to contain job losses since he took over in January.

Sad. Yet...here's the picture accompanying this story:










Reuters, you seriously couldn't have photographed a sign made by someone who DID finish high school? Making all blue collar workers look like illiterate morons is hardly the best way to elicit sympathy for their plight. I'm just saying.

...on the other hand, maybe this is a subtle critique of a country where it's easier and more practical to enter the workforce than it is to finish college. But I kinda doubt it.

Analogy FAIL

Apparently we can't go a week without seeing some religious nutjob on campus. I think if this unwritten law is ever violated, the university will crumble to the ground under the weight of its own immorality...or something. Anyway, some guy called Brother Tom showed up today, and he was preaching on the Plaza for a good five hours or more*. He wasn't quite as fun as Brother Matt because he didn't call anyone a "whoremonger" or a "sodomite-ess" (Brother Matt's own term for a lesbian), but he did say one thing that was fucking hilarious. Apparently no one else thought so because they all kind of looked at me weird when I laughed my ass off. SCREW YOU GUYS.

But seriously, I'm not crazy. He was talking about pre-marital sex, which is already funny because the entire time he's condemning everyone for doing it, we're all pretty much just looking annoyed because we're listening to him instead of doing it more. But it was even better because he used the weirdest fucking analogy in the history of ever. He was like, "Having sex before marriage is like using the same piece of duct tape over and over again. After a while, the tape just loses its stickiness. But if you wait for marriage, you'll still have plenty of stickiness left for your spouse."

........

LOL??

Well, I had a good laugh. I'm immature like that. Stop judging me.

*Does anyone know what these guys DO for a living? Do they have their own congregations, and then glide by on the tithe money? Or do they work the night shift at McDonald's? Or do they run around in masks after dark mugging atheists? I really want to know. I think the last option would explain a lot.

Insufficient Insulin Levels May Trigger Grammar Fail

Have you ever had one of those days where every time you reach into your pockets, you pull out another Reese's Peanut Butter Cup? Well, I have. Seriously. I was at the coffee cart today getting a tea (in yet another futile attempt to wean myself off caffeine), and the guy ahead of me ordered a white chocolate mocha caramel fudge something or other--possibly the most decadent and expensive item on the menu--but the barista made it wrong and he didn't want it, so he gave it to me. YEAH NO SHIT. The barista even piled whipped cream on it for me, even though she totally didn't have to.

But I'm actually happy for reasons completely unrelated to my pancreas failing as a result of drinking that entire fudge-y monstrosity (although that was fun too).

To make a short story even shorter:

I'm seeing someone.

I obviously like him a lot.

And last night was really, really awesome.

PEE. ESS. The grammar in this post is possibly quite bad. Sorry about that.

PEE. ESS. ESS. ...actually, no I'm not. You're just angry because your life is average. Grow up.

Mandatory Sex Parties

I think they're a good idea. So does Allie. But apparently there isn't any information on the internet about mandatory sex parties, so Allie's taking initiative and spreading the word. You can help! Blog about it, start a website, or hell, just say it on the internet whenever/wherever you have the chance. Google WILL notice eventually.

Activism is AWESOME.

(via Hyperbole-And-A-Half)

P.S. Mandatory sex parties.

??lolcoffee

Josiah: It'd mean something to me for you to hit yourself in the face with a ball-peen hammer.

me: Haha, you said "peen"...us.

Josiah: ...Nice. Only that's not how you spell it.

me: Neither is "peen". >(

You fucked up first.

Josiah: OMFG.

me: ^__^?

Josiah: I can't talk to you right now.

me: LOL WHY?

Published!

Yeah, so that last post was uncharacteristically emo. Sorry. I'm all better now; turns out it was just caffeine withdrawal exaggerated by a complete fucking lack of sleep. Four large coffees later, and I'm GOLDEN.

ALSO. The article I wrote for the Collegian got published, and I re-pasted it here for your enjoyment. They fucked with the grammar, so try to sort of speed read through all the bad parts. Some of the minor errors are mine, but you can blame those on the Collegian too, if you want. I do.

On Thursday night, the Campus Crusade for Christ (CRU) student group at CSU hosted a lecture by Dr. Alan Scholes, who holds a PhD in Theology and Personality from the Claremont School of Theology.

CRU advertised the event with posters bearing the name of Dr. Scholes and the heading, "Why Does God Allow Pain & Suffering?" I personally identify as an atheist; however, I am interested in discussing issues of faith with people from a variety of religious backgrounds.

So, with an open mind, some trepidation, and a notebook in my hand, I entered the lecture hall. To my surprise and discomfort, the event began with a full half-hour of praise music, led by a live student band.

The advertisements had led me to believe that a leading academic would be giving a scholarly lecture on a philosophical topic; instead, I found myself in the middle of a Christian youth concert. It was quite a novel form of begging the question.

If the introduction was surprising, the presentation itself was nothing short of jaw-dropping. Dr. Scholes outlined three major world views - Buddhism, atheism/naturalism and Christian theism - and then proceeded to describe how each of them "deals with" the problem of evil.

He gave Buddhism and atheism a perfunctory and entirely inadequate description; what he did, in fact, was show clips from the popular TV shows "Heroes" and "E.R." and explained how different characters in the show represent these two world views.

Naturally, I found this appalling - it would be like an atheist playing clips from Monty Python's "Life of Brian" and claiming those characters represent modern Christians. Dr. Scholes then jumped right into Christian theism and managed to explain away the problem of evil (about which entire courses have been taught) in a single, unqualified sentence. "Pain, suffering and evil are the uncoerced choice of those who've been given the gift of genuine moral freedom," he pronounced, with the air of someone who has just made an irrefutable argument.

I waited for a more detailed explanation, but it did not come. He did mention one potential objection: Why couldn't God create people who would always freely choose to follow him? His utter failure to answer the question came in the form of a false analogy - an anecdote which illustrated a clearly coerced action, rather than a freely chosen one.

He then repeated his unsubstantiated thesis and ended the lecture. The entire event showed an arrant disregard for scholarly discourse; it was, in effect, a self-congratulatory exercise accomplished through a stunning display of intellectual laziness.

While I recognize that CRU has a vested interest in inviting speakers who defend their beliefs, it is to be hoped that students will recognize this sort of deeply flawed argumentation and reject it, even if they ultimately agree with the position being presented.

Also, I got a letter from some CRU officer expressing her apologies for this god-awful (LOL) event. She said she hopes I don't judge all of CRU by this one incident. It was a nice letter. I LOL'd. And then I wrote back and nicely said I didn't, but I judge them for other things. Mostly being Christian.

EDIT: Okay, I didn't say I judge her for being Christian. I'm actually way nice to (nice) Christians when we're talking face-to-face. Partly because I remember being a Christian, and I might never have changed my mind if every atheist I met was an asshole. Also because I'm nice.

argh

I need to keep this updated more, I really do, but life is so fucking frustrating sometimes. For many different reasons, I'm feeling myself slipping back into the state I was in my sophomore year of college--which is not a good place to be. I've worked really hard to escape that frame of mind, and I've come a long way. I don't want to go back.

I know this is all pretty vague, but I don't care to go into specifics. Basically, I think I'm going to have to confront some old demons and reopen old wounds, and I frankly don't look forward to that.

In other news, I've written a letter to the student newspaper about a Campus Crusade for Christ event. If it gets published, I'll post it here. I lost my copy of the text.